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In the Past TenseOctober 13, 2011

Sometimes I think I might be an idiot. I love, love, love playing these games with myself that inevitably involve pushing beyond comfort barriers–allow me to provide some context.

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A few weeks ago, I succumbed to the internet stalking heaven that is LinkedIn and in my mad frenzy to amp up my professional profile, I looked up that older gentleman economist I dated briefly last year. We’re talking a year and a half ago. I toyed with the idea of contacting him for so long it made me sick to my stomach. I tried to resist, I really did–I’m just so desperately curious and weirdly fascinated by his bachelor lifestyle that I had to do it. Really, I didn’t expect anything to come of up since he so abruptly ended things (over the age difference/chasm between romantic experiences, WHATEVER) but as I told Poppy throughout this mess, he dumped me over a year ago and I was still not over it. It still stung, and I saw an opportunity for a tasty challenge right within my grasp.

I love a challenge more than I love the games. Herein lies the conflict. He gave me his number again (wise, since I erased his number in a furious rage of disappointment and curse words last year) and although I felt like vomiting and basically did not eat for a week in anticipation, I made the call. We had drinks. I was absolutely stunningly, devastatingly hot-looking and icy-cold but charming, as you do when you are a women slighted. The game was afoot–the goal was to try my hand at getting him to want me again, not to mention get him to say he regretted breaking up with me BECAUSE I AM FABULOUS. Immediate high score achieved on both counts.

Now he won’t leave me alone. This is becoming a problem. I missed that feeling of being wanted, feeling beautiful and feminine and sexy when I was with him, even though I know I am definitely all of those things and more on my own. I rarely embark on anything even closely resembling RELATIONSHIPS with men, I do this once-yearly flirtation with my target paramour for a max of six weeks and it always ends with crushing boredom/lack of attraction to the guy. Since he is older, I feel like everything has a more serious tone than dating men my own age, who still want you to come over and dress up but really you’re going to sit in their filthy living room playing videogames until they make an unwanted move. I’ve tried OKCupid again, I’ve had probably a dozen first dates with men who were just terrible–perfectly fine on paper, but I run hot and cold. The pipes were frozen over for the winter from January to August, let me tell you. The Economist was really the last guy I felt legitimately attracted to, despite all of his weirdness and childish rejection of me. I’m curious to see where this leads, but I still kind of hate/like him and it feels a little disgusting and naughty. If I can’t find or meet men who make me feel safe, confident, and sexy, why not try again with someone who I’m already sort-of comfortable with, for experimentation’s sake?

My close confidante lady-friends, with the exception of Poppy (whom I love best of all) say, “use him, lose him” and walk away with the upper hand. Take that feeling of power and revel in it for a while, it doesn’t have to mean anything, right? There are always other men–there are those two mega hottie guys at work I should take that ballsiness and chat up. Am I that cruel and cold-hearted? More importantly, can I preserve my own feelings to try this on for size and not be damaged again by this fucking guy? It’s not worth my time or emotional effort to give this much of a shit. I can’t bring myself to answer the phone when he calls (WHICH IS ALMOST EVERY DAY, OMG CUT IT OUT) half of the time but there are times when I think, yeah, it would be really fun to share this part of my awesome life with him. I just don’t think I can step over that crevasse dividing how I thought I felt about this loser last year and the person I am now. I definitely do want to see other, new people, I just think I need to get over this and do something scary and slightly damaging before I’m ready to try it again with somebody new.

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Either way, I win.

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